Monday, June 21, 2010

"The Mommy Club"

What is "The Mommy Club," you ask? It's the strange radar-like ability for moms to hone in on and find each other in a room (even when kids aren't present), clump together in a circle to talk about all-things mommyhood (breastfeeding, childhood firsts - walking, teething, etc. AND poop. Always poop.) - and leave the non-moms standing with our arms crossed looking at our feet. Except, the "non-moms" these days feels more like the lone "non-mom" AKA, yours truly.

I'm probably overexaggerating this a bit (emotions have the effect on me), but sometimes it's just how I feel. And it doesn't feel good. I guess it brings me back to school and being the fat kid who got left out. Now I'm not the fat kid anymore, but I'm the childless one who couldn't possibly related to late night feedings, diaper changes, etc.

Everyone around me seems to be procreating; it's the age, I suppose. Sometimes I'll be at work amongst my mommy friends or out with girlfriends and they'll all be talking the mommy-talk while I sit silently staring off into space. It's not that I have nothing to add. I was a nanny for a couple of years, I do have some experience in these matters. But it feels like nothing I say could mean a thing to these women. They aren't trying to be mean, but you see - it's just that they are Mommies (yes, with a capital "M"!). I am not. I am an outsider. I do not belong.

All choices have their pros and cons. This is one of the cons of my current choice to hold off on children. Certainly, I don't think choosing to have children just to feeling like part of a group is a good move. But, during some of the darker days, it admittedly has been moved to the "pro" column of having children. Is it sad of me to admit that? Perhaps - but, hey, it's honest.

6 comments:

  1. Strangely that's true. I was rushing through the airport, sans-kids, the other day, trying to find my flight, which had changed gates. The two women that tried to help me? Moms. Both of them. None of us had kids, but we "knew" somehow and helped each other. It was weird.

    I have the opposite problem you do: quite a lot of my friends are non-moms. It's incredibly hard to find things to talk about with them, as my day is full of stuff that does not relate to them as anything important. They want to discuss movies I haven't heard of, internet forums I'm too busy to follow, concerts that occur three hours from me that I can't get to. It's maddening. But I'm not stressing over it. I just come to these events prepared with conversation that might be interesting and move on if things get weird.

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  2. You know once when I was young and single and hot, I worked in an office with young women who were not single nor very hot (baby fat and spit up, you see). Yet, one day they took it upon themselves to yell at we single women for NOT inviting them to our nights out.

    So come next week, that's what we did. We showed up in our clubiest club wear with our no holds barred attitudes and multiple men on speed dial, and they...showed up.

    The next day they complained that they felt like the oldest, ugliest, dumpiest women there. In truth, they were the dumpiest. So maybe turn the tables on them a bit. ;)

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  3. i actually find very little to talk about with other moms. at least the ones around here. they get all competitive about it...

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  4. Hi again! I'll tell you something funny, I spent so long in the non- breeders group that when I got pregnant I felt like I had betrayed them all!
    I adopted my older 2 and having settled roundly into the idea of not having children, being told we didnt have a chance without IVF etc I felt very much at home with that group actually.
    If I am really honest- I find I kind of belong with one foot in both camps, I cant bear the yummy-mummy "I'm up at 6am making bread for dearest diddums lunches" but I cant really sit as easily with the non breeding group either, having very clearly had a baby! I think a lot of my friends are having babies- late 20s early 30s.... well actually we are all heading to mid 30s now..... never mind eh?!
    I did meet an American lady who TTC while taking humira as she was so well on it and her son must be 4 now. Have you looked into TTC on some of the meds- sulphazalazine, hydroxycloroquine, gold, azothyaprin, steroid? YOu would have to do it under tight control via your medical team of course. I took steroid with mine.

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  5. Another challenge to the decision on whether or not to have kids is the medication needed to treat RA. I wanted to let everyone know that there are experts available to answer your questions prior to or during pregnancy about the safety of RA medications during pregnancy by calling OTIS at 877-311-8972 (toll free in the US and Canada). You will speak with a phone counselor who is a trained in teratology (the study of birth defects caused by exposures during pregnancy). This service is free and confidential. OTIS counselors have a variety of backgrounds in the health care field and include doctors, genetic counselors, nurses, and researchers. You can also check out their website at www.otispregnancy.org . Under resources you will find information on RA disease in pregnancy and even fact sheets in English and Spanish on a variety of common pregnancy questions like topical acne creams, caffeine, nausea and vomiting, and depression, as well as some prescription and non-prescription medications.
    In addition to providing updated and accurate information on medicines during pregnancy, OTIS conducts telephone interviews with willing participants to learn more about health conditions and medicines during pregnancy. This increased knowledge should benefit women and their doctors in the future by aiding in the treatment decisions and ideally providing reassurance. One project, the OTIS Autoimmune Diseases Pregnancy Project is researching the effects of autoimmune diseases, such as Crohn’s disease, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, ankylosing spondylitis and psoriasis, as well as the medications used to treat these conditions during pregnancy. Participants will not be asked to take or stop taking any medication as part of this study. We are also enrolling a comparison group for this study (women who do not have an autoimmune disease, but who are pregnant). If you are interested in learning more about this study, please call 1-877-311-8972 (toll free in US and Canada), email raandpregnancy@ucsd.edu or check out the website at www.otispregnancy.org.

    OTIS Counselor

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I welcome your comments and experiences! If you have any questions, I will try to get back to you as soon as I can.