Monday, May 10, 2010

Maybe is a wonderful word...

From the very beginning of this blog, I think it's probably come across pretty clearly that I was on the fence about kids. I had my yes days and my no days. I even went through a "YES, YES!" 3-month period at the start of the year where I longed for a child, craved the feel of a baby in my arms, and nearly cried when I thought about not having one.

Oh how things can change. My husband and I both got promotions at work, there's talk of a possible big move in the next year, hubby & I had more talks about "us" vs. "us with kids"... and we topped it all off with a week spent with my 3-year-old niece and 4-month-old nephew. All of this made me realize how much I really love my life right now and how much a child would change that -- and how I'm not ready to make that change right now.

Here's my breakdown -

The promotion made me realize that I love being able to pitch in at work when they need me - staying late and saving the day.

The extra money from the promotions have afforded us some flexibility with the budget that's made me remember just how much I love being able to take off for the weekend with my husband - no destination in particular in mind, but wherever we end up, it'll surely be an adventure. I love our little team of 2.

The possible looming move made me question how I feel about parenting with my family around. I'm very close to my mom and dad and imagine I'd need to rely on them heavily if I flared when the baby came (which my rheumy says is pretty common). I also worry about making 2 big changes like that at the same time. My anxiety levels have gone through the roof with changes in the past (moving away to college, buying a house, etc.).. why push it? What's the rush?

Coversations with the hubby - he very nearly broke my heart when one night, after a few drinks, he said something along the lines of "I don't understand why I'm not enough for you." Oh. Dear. And in other conversations (sober ones), he's told me kids are OK, but he thinks right now he'd probably be happier without them. It's bittersweet in a lot of ways because both of these statements make me realize he cares about me so much that he would sacrifice a little piece of his happiness and security for me.

And lastly - the kiddo experience. I love my niece and nephew dearly and enjoy spending time with them, but this last trip really hit home to me how much children take over your life. Want to go out for the day? OK - as long as it works with naptime. And that's not because the kids can't adjust - it's because you need them to take a nap to help save your sanity after they've asked "why?" for the twelve-billionth time. (Or, at least that's how *I* felt about naptime.) Yes, the play times and cuddle times were awesome - but I get that now as an Auntie.

So, for me, kids seem to be moving to the back burner again. Not now, probably not a year from now - maybe never, but then again, maybe someday. That's the wonderful thing about "maybe" - it leaves your options open. And from the very start, I think that's what I've really been after - options. I didn't want to feel constrained by societal expectations that I *must* have children, or antiquated medical advice that I shouldn't because of my "condition." If my someday comes, great. But if not, I still feel a sense of peace because I had my chances to truly consider all of my options.

4 comments:

  1. It's certainly good to weigh all options.....and also to be ready emotionally for kids. When or if you do have your own your life will revolve around them but in a good way. I know you love your neices and nephews but there is nothing like having one of your own. You don't mind the sacrifices you make. There is an overwhelming love like nothing other. People say this but it is true. Timing is important I believe and you will know it when it is right. Congrats on the promotions! Awesome! :)

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  2. This is big news and I appreciate you sharing your decision process. I found you through Superbitch and have been following your blog. I have read with interest your research into plaquenil because it is what my rheumy wants to get me started on since I want to continue breastfeeding right now. He really wants to get mtx and biologic going--but I don't have a peace about that direction just yet and not ready to wean little guy. Leslie is right, timing is important when having a little one. But there really isn't anything like having a child of your own. No one could ever put into words for you the joy it brings. But like Superbitch has said in the past too--no one but you (and God) will know how hard it is to raise a baby. I just can't imagine my days without my little guy though. Blessings to you! Enjoy these child free days with your honey, sister, because you are right--it all revolves around the nap! : )

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  3. Thank you both very much for your supportive comments. I felt a little uncertain about saying anything - since I'm clearly wishy washy on the subject - but I find it helps to put things into words. And I can only hope it might help someone else out, too!

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  4. Hey Girl -

    It takes courage to share your thought process with all of us (I should know right!) I think your decision is sound right now. Promotions and money are both great things. You should enjoy those for a while. The only last thing I have to add is what Leslie and Kelly already said: I used to drop off other people's kids at the end of the day, VERY happy to be rid of them too, but once you have your own, you can't get enough of them. That part is true.

    But for right now, your decision makes great sense, and I'm so happy for your happiness.

    -RA SB

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I welcome your comments and experiences! If you have any questions, I will try to get back to you as soon as I can.